Levity

Some really stupid things we have heard, read or written, or said.

Years ago, sometime in the 1960’s, my mother-in-law had given my husband a nice sweater for Christmas.  Before putting it away I read the washing instructions, which I am wont to do after shrinking so many all wool socks, etc., in the dryer which had been put on high heat.  The instructions read:  “Wash by hand.  Place on absorbent towel to dry”.  Now I don’t know what you believe, but I believe that towels by their very nature ought to be absorbent, since they are used to dry things. 

One of my daughters likes the instructions she read on a receipe:  “Bring cold water to a boil”.  Since thrifty people everywhere don’t really like to waste money, isn’t it cheaper to bring warm to hot water to a boil?  Also, it takes more time to bring cold water to a boil than warm or hot water.

Another daughter got something technical that she could speak into and it would put her words into written form.  Fortunately for her, it was a good friend who received the receipe:  “Before serving, discard the baby”.  She learned two things from that.  The first is read over what is to be sent out before hitting the “send” button.  The second is to enunciate carefully so that “bay leaf” is not translated as “baby”.

Recently a friend had some health problems which caused him to be transported to the hospital where he was checked over completely for heart problems.  Not being able to find anything life-threatening but not wanting to send him home where he might have more problems without some sort of monitor, the doctors put a thing called a “loop” either in or on him.  They sent him on his way after giving him a little device to keep with him at all times, and the admonition: “If you faint, press this little button”. 

Since I am what is called a grammar-Nazi, often times the little streamers of so-called news across the bottom of the screen cause me some irritation.  The other day there was an announcement that the FDA was going to tighten up regulations to prevent “foodbourne” illnesses.  No, no.  Bourne is a fictional character first dreamed up by Robert Ludlum.  The correct is “food borne”.

Many, many years ago, while still living in Fresno, and having five small children in the house, one gorgeous spring day I was thinking how nice it would be to have a park near our home to take the kids.  The doorbell rang, a nice gentleman introduced himself, then said, “I’m taking a pre-need survey for Belmont Memorial Park.”  All I heard was “Park”, so was thrilled that my thoughts had been answered so soon.  I told him how happy I was, and that I had five children that could use it.  The poor dear literally turned pale and commented, “Lady, it’s a cemetery”. 

One of my all-time favorites was the day, many years ago, that my husband came home, grabbed the hammer and “the sign”, and went out to the front yard and pounded it in.  For Sale.  We could always tell when he was really ticked off about something at work.  He was working in research for the US Dept. Of Agriculture, was the administrator at the lab, and had received a rather thick memo with all of the new rules and regulations that he dutifully read all the way through.  Stapled to the inside page was another memo that read, “Please disregard this entire memo”.

After we had moved from that place (not because of the memo), I tried to keep in touch with a neighbor.  She was a real character, with the proverbial heart of gold.  But on this particular day she was bitching and complaining about her husband.  He never wanted to get up and go anywhere; all he wanted to do was just sit and watch TV.  She added:  “My God, he’s only 93!”

So, I hope you have enjoyed this posting.